Pt 2: It's Not Where you are, it's Who you are
Continuation of these thoughts.
When I lived in Glenwood Springs, I couldn't stand the small town drama. So I moved to Tuscon, and I hated the weather and couldn't wait to get out. I lived in Boulder, and I wanted to move to Denver. I moved to Denver, and couldn't wait to become a digital nomad and not live anywhere for three years.
And now, there are things that I deeply miss about every single one of those places. I miss epic night drives through Glenwood Canyon, cooking dinner with family in Tucson, daily after-work hikes in Boulder, and running home with my former lover through thunderstorms in Denver.
So many memories of these places fill my heart with happiness. But when I lived there, I didn't appreciate them. And today I had that thought about being here. "I can't wait to move out of the city. It's going to be great when I get a house somewhere in nature!"
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's all avoidance tactics! I also can't truly adore a place unless it's temporary... if it's sticking around, I push it away.
I can't let myself fall in love with anything.
I'm constantly living for a future that will never exist, while discounting what I have in the present. And it's time for that to stop.
I live in the best neighborhood of Seattle (Ballard, pictured at the top of this post) filled with big green trees, flowers of every color, surrounded by lush green hills with snow-capped mountains in the distance. I live so close to the water that sometimes I can hear fog horns. I rent a really beautiful home with hardwood floors and a beautiful yard. I have the best neighbor I could ever ask for. I'm a short drive from water, mountains, rain forests, close to Canada, close to Portland...
If I can't fall in love with this magical place, that what can I fall in love with? So it starts here and now. I'll catch myself when I discount the Pacific NorthWonderland I live in, and treasure the insane beauty of this area and all the cute quirks of my neighborhood.
I already love this place, I'm just scared of fully letting myself be happy here, just like with all the other places. I am always striving for the best of everything, and if I am happy here, what if I never leave when there could be something better? It's messed up, I know, and when I break it down, it makes no sense. So, time to change it.