In 2019, I completely burned myself out due to time anxiety. Since then I've focused heavily on my mental health and every month gets brighter, calmer, and easier.
Except for one area that still gives me almost constant low-level anxiety. Work.
For the most part, I can't turn it off. I used to think that was a strength, but now I'm starting to see that it's fucking up my ability to take care of myself.
I'm scared to address the issue because what if I won't be successful without it? I've done a lot of cool things in my life and they're probably due to my addiction.
And being a workaholic is so acceptable. It's almost a badge of honor. But could you imagine if being a heroin addict was a badge of honor? Just because we're able to be 'highly functioning', doesn't mean that this doesn't affect our lives, our relationships (or even the ability to have one... I admit that I've been avoiding dating because I don't want it to affect my productivity 😅), our ability to relax and actually live our lives. But we don't even think about it, because work is life. Because work is under our control. Because work is a place to feel good about ourselves, to express our souls, to dream and then make the dreams a reality! But when work becomes our everything... then the color of anything outside of work turns to greyscale, and we lose ourselves.
I'm also not happy living like this. I'm starting to see that a huge reason my last relationship ended was because of my workaholism. And the relationship before that ended because he was a workaholic (see a pattern here?) My Dad, a former CEO, would work until he got tunnel vision. And my Mom can't go a day without being busy every minute of it. It's all I've ever known. It's what feels familiar and safe.
I took the 20 questions from Workaholics Anonymous and I scored much higher than I would have liked. So, I'm going to my first meeting on Tuesday.
I have to believe that I can still find success if I tackle this. And maybe my workaholism is holding me back from finding greater success! There's only one way to find out, and though I'm nervous, I'm ready to seek help and see how it goes. I'll keep you posted.