I can't get this conversation out of my head.
10 months ago, I met this woman who I really liked despite her voice being tired, her body slumped, her words slow and unsteady. I asked her to coffee and she stiffened, and that was the last I saw of her.
Until two weeks ago when she asked if she could call me. To my astonishment, her voice was full of energy, her demeanor optimistic and bright and powerful. Her laughter was like a songbird on a spring day. I asked her how she managed to change so much this year, and she said something like,
In January, I was at a point where I didn't want to live anymore, but I wasn't suicidal either. I just... didn't see any joy in my life. And so I said to myself, 'Okay, you've got two choices. You can choose to live and stay the same, or you can choose to die.'
I thought about it for two weeks and I decided, 'Okay. I want to live, and I want to change.' I drew up the life that I wanted to live, to really make this life vibrant and wondrous and 100% worth living, and then I asked myself, 'What is my life worth to me?'
Then I got started. Changing was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. OMG MADI IT WAS SOOOO HARD. *laughs* But my life was at stake. I had to do it! Soon after, my Mom called and ask me to pick up the pieces of her life like she always does, and I still feel bad for this, but I legit lost it at her. I told her my life was mine, and she should take responsibility for hers. Because MY LIFE was at stake. I did this with all of the toxic people around me, and it was beyond hard, but now I have boundaries.
And I started exercising, and eating healthy. I started getting monthly massages, and seeing a specialist to tackle my health issues. I spent a lot of money on myself, but again, my life was at risk! To create a life truly worth living, I was willing to spend whatever it would take. I was willing to go to any lengths.
And I did! And I am. And now my life is starting to look like the one I imagined earlier this year. And to get there, I had to raise the stakes. Because the stakes really were life or death."
We only get one life. Is mine vibrant and wondrous and 100% worth living? And if not, what is my life worth to me? What am I willing to do, to get there?