24: Done being a Russian Novel

"You’re actually in a really good position right now!" Josh said, his eyes lighting up. "A very good position! You're doing great!"

"Oh thank goodness!" I said, shoulders falling as I broke into a relieved smile.

"Wait, do you really think you’re not in a great position? Are you actually worried about this???" he said incredulously.


"I... I tend to be hard on myself." I answered.

I am hard on myself. Even when everyone else can clearly see that I'm crushing it, I'm always 6 feet deep in self doubt.

I've been trying to understand why, for me, life is a bit like a Russian novel; insanely beautiful, deeply moving, and utterly dark.

The harsh truth is this: if life is always 'complicated' and sad, then I will always have an external excuse for internal conflict. It doesn't have to be 'my problem' if it's caused by an outside source. In a really fucked up way, it keeps me safe.

But, clearly, I want to take accountability. I deserve better, and I'm doing all I can to lighten up. One day at a time, until one day each week I believe that I'm in a really good position, then two, and eventually every day I'll see things on the bright side. Maybe, someday, I can be more like an American novel!


Ps- I met Josh on Lunchclub; I've been using it to meet with other smart, kind Austin tech folks during COVID.

Subscribe to Madison Taskett

Don’t miss out on the latest issues. Sign up now to get access to the library of members-only issues.