24: Done being a Russian Novel

"You’re actually in a really good position right now!" Josh said, his eyes lighting up. "A very good position! You're doing great!"

"Oh thank goodness!" I said, shoulders falling as I broke into a relieved smile.

"Wait, do you really think you’re not in a great position? Are you actually worried about this???" he said incredulously.

...OMG YES I AM UTTERLY TERRIFIED AND OVERWHELMED, I thought.

"I... I tend to be hard on myself." I answered.

I am hard on myself. Even when everyone else can clearly see that I'm crushing it, I'm always 6 feet deep in self doubt.

I've been trying to understand why, for me, life is a bit like a Russian novel; insanely beautiful, deeply moving, and utterly dark.

The harsh truth is this: if life is always 'complicated' and sad, then I will always have an external excuse for internal conflict. It doesn't have to be 'my problem' if it's caused by an outside source. In a really fucked up way, it keeps me safe.

But, clearly, I want to take accountability. I deserve better, and I'm doing all I can to lighten up. One day at a time, until one day each week I believe that I'm in a really good position, then two, and eventually every day I'll see things on the bright side. Maybe, someday, I can be more like an American novel!

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Ps- I met Josh on Lunchclub; I've been using it to meet with other smart, kind Austin tech folks during COVID.