There's no dancing in this grief

There's no dancing in this grief

I remember, back in 2009, when my first serious boyfriend first told me he loved me.

I knew he'd loved me for a long time (like, embarrassingly long), but he hadn't told me the words yet. I was dying to hear them!

And then my high school bestie broke off our friendship. I was devastated. It was unexpected and my world went black.

Friendship breakups can be so much harder than romantic breakups.

And I was praying, "Of all times, PLEASE don't tell me those three words this week!"

So of course he did! 😂 We recounted that moment for years after, because it sucked so hard. I just looked at him blankly. I didn't even respond.

This week has been filled with grief, but most of it has felt beautiful too. Crying while dancing around my living room, mourning the death a dear friend's dad, but feeling so thankful for his good-ass presence in our lives while he was here. Crying over a friend who had a still-born, but feeling so thankful to be able to share in her pain. Crying through connection... it hurts but there's also nothing more honorable than sharing grief with loved ones.

But this week I'm also grieving the loss of a friendship, and frankly nothing about this feels beautiful. There is no connection in this pain. It's just me, alone in this blackness, slowly drowning in it.

There is no dancing in this grief.