2024 Recap: Paying my Soul

“They choose the flashy place to live

Network with the flashiest friends

Work the flashiest job

Read the flashiest books

Showcase the flashiest lovers

All to fill a hole that can't get filled by flashy things.”

This year was my attempt to break away from flashy things.

It started when Nick Gray asked me to speak at his half-day conference last December.

"I don't have anything to contribute."

"Then talk about that," Nick said.

I realized that I was soul broke. Sure, I had a great job with great pay, I owned a house in the coolest city in the world, and I knew everyone.

There was nothing behind my eyes.

I gave a talk about how, in the next 12 months, I'd focus solely on paying my soul. Every decision I'd make would be passed through that filter only.

But where to start? I put my diary into Claude and asked it what my biggest soul-drain was.

It said I was pushover who didn't know how to say no to anyone.

Lol. K. So I decided to take myself to bitch school. I made a daily goal on my phone to 'be a bitch', to set a boundary that made me uncomfortable. I also made a short list of fewer than ten people that I would always say yes to, no matter what. Anyone not on that list I had full permission to say no to, no matter what.

That list allowed me to not only learn how to say no, but also to go way deeper with people on my 'yes' list.

People like Veró, a new acquaintance who invited me over on New Years to make vision boards. Feeling bold, I put a picture of her on my vision board and said, "I see us this year."

She's now one of my best friends. :]

Saying no to 'flashy friends' was scary. I was popular and I was so scared that I'd lose my community by turning people down.

But I persevered, and found that my community got stronger, that people respected me when I respected myself.

Around this time, I found a letter in a memory shoebox in my Dad's house. In December 2010, from my good friend Nick Scheidies gave me permission to blow up my life anytime and follow my dreams of being a writer.

I cried when I read the letter. Fourteen years, and I hadn't written a book. It'd been my dream as long as I can remember, and I hadn't done anything. So I put his letter where I'd see it every day, and I started to write.

I started a weekly writing club.¹ Those mornings were magical– people met and wrote before most of the world woke up. Friday Writing Club still meets at 7am, every Friday in Austin.

Our conversations got deep, and we became friends. I started holding five minute talks after the club, recording fellow members and posting their wisdom. I never thought I'd lead events or host talks, and I was so proud of myself.

But I was still holding back. Two Nicks had given me permission - one to admit emptiness, one to pursue dreams. Now the universe was forcing my hand.

I got laid off from my job, along with 400 other people.

Gone was my flashy title.

It took immense courage, but I decided to keep it that way, and I logged out of Linkedin.² I kept reading my friend's permission letter, and I wrote 50k words in one month, realizing I was actually serious about being an author.

Now there was another whisper, one I wanted to ignore.

"Maybe you can leave Austin, too."

The place I'd built a reputation, a home, a circle. The place I owned a home.

Leaving terrified me. But for years when I dreamt, I'd see visions of mountains, of pine trees, of snow. I deeply longed for a quiet life connected with nature.

So I gave Friday Writing Club to Veró and, wondering if I was making the right decision, I put my house on the market.

It closed just 15 days later. In two weeks I sold everything, packed up my car, and left the flashy city.

I left Austin without a goodbye party, without crying, without so much as a last meal, because leaving was the hardest thing I've done in years.

I couldn't fully accept that this was goodbye.

But I never felt good enough there.

Austin's whisper is 'If you were just a little bit better, then you'd be enough." A little bit more fit. A bit more successful. More connected. Well-rounded. And I moved there because I loved that whisper. I wanted to be forged, and in return, my city brought me magic. I had movie main-character kinds of experiences. I met people who only existed in legend and dreams. I fell for dark men who bewitched my very soul and showed me that anything is possible. I don't have words to convey the endless well of wonder that I feel about Austin. There's nowhere else in the world I would have rather spent the last four years.

But Austin also destroyed my self-worth in other ways.

I wrote this in my diary

I guess that's the thing, isn't it? When we immerse ourselves in a culture, we can't just pick the good and leave the rest. We become ALL of it. The strategy and the secrets and the filth AND the beauty. All of it.

And when I left, I started feeling good enough again.

I met people, without anything to my name, and they didn't care that I wasn't flashy. That I was a writer meandering without a home. They didn't care that I wasn't blonde enough, skinny enough, muscled enough, for the city I'd just left. They just thought I was beautiful and wild and brilliant and kind. And with time, I started seeing that, too.

I can't tell you how good it feels to be liked for the parts of me I was always so scared to lead with.

So here we are at the end of the year.

I still miss Austin. I sometimes long for the security that 2023 me had. I'm pulled back towards flashy things every day.

But now, I write to you from mountains, from pine trees, from snow. My heart is starting to feel like a feral beast, finally freed from its city chains. I'm on the third draft of a book I'll finish soon. And I had the energy to send gifts to the people on my 'yes' list this year... I don't know if I've ever had the energy before.

I feel restored. Perfect? No. But better.

After a long absence, there's fire behind my eyes again.

2024 FAVS

Books read in 2024: 34 (a record)

Non-Fiction Book: Good Work by Paul Millerd

Fiction Book: Heir of Fire by Sarah J Maas

Musical Album: La Symphonie des Éclairs by Zaho de Sagazan

Quote of the Year: "Your first book is learning how to write a book." -Jay Papasan

Other Quote of the Year: "Keep being brave." -Maren (my college best friend)

¹ started with Zac Solomon. We decided to do our own groups shortly after.

² I was lucky and had better positions lined up, for better pay. It was my decision to leave tech.