Day 2: 50 Shades of Grey

Everyone needs a Tom in their life.

I've been going on dates for the first time in a while, and it's been really difficult. I keep wanting to force things in a direction, any direction, just to relieve myself of the constant gripping terror of putting myself out there.

So a few weeks ago, I called Tom. "Tomorrow, I'm going to figure out where this is going."

Tom laughed.

Tomorrow is not going to turn black to white. It’ll change the shade of grey, but it’s still grey! You must find the neutral ground where things are always going to be okay regardless of the outcome.

Shit, no kidding. I've got to weather the uncertainty, no matter how scary it feels, until I get to the point where I'm always solid despite what happens around me.

I've never felt 100% secure in myself before. In the past, when I've been scared of losing someone, I would try really hard to avoid letting things unfold naturally (that could mean either trying to move it forward, or sabotaging it to end early). Because what if they left, and I'd know they were never mine in the first place? I was too insecure to face it, even if them leaving might have nothing to do with me.

But what if I let someone go and they actually stay? That is WAY more powerful than never letting them go in the first place. And further, if I let someone go and they do go, then I know it was never gonna work out anyway! But when I force things, I never get to see what the actual truth is.

So, I'm here. In all the shades of grey. And it's kind of awesome. Still scary. But awesome.

Because things really are always going to be okay, regardless of the outcome.

Lesson: Nothing in life will ever be black or white, so getting comfortable with shades of grey is a superpower.

PS- Should I make this whole series with racy titles, or is that too much? Lemme know.