Mortality and what Matters
I'm a big fan of Bojack Horseman, and tonight I watched the final episodes. One of those episodes had me crying for quite a while after it (don't want to give any spoilers but by far the best episode of any tv show I've ever seen. Hands down.)
I was really affected by the last half of the final season. I identify a lot with Diane, and in my own life, I have a Bojack. And he was the person who got me into this show in the first place. And lately I've had that inner feeling that our final goodbye is not too far away. So watching the end of the show, knowing that this connection we had, this show, is also ending, it was a lot for me. I also have a Mr. Peanutbutter in my life and just like Diane, our relationship is over forever and while I'm really thankful that it happened, it still hurts.
To top it off, one day, I myself will be gone. Our lives are so freaking short. Am I spending it on the things that really matter? And the people in our lives, many of them are only there for a season. Do I appreciate the good times with them, while they're here? When I let go, can I appreciate all they've taught me?
And what about all the needless shit I worry about all the time? It's so pointless! How can I stop worrying so much? There's no need.
I got a text from my Mom tonight. I don't think I realize how lucky I am to have a Mom, to have a Dad, to have sisters who love me. To have two grandparents still alive. I just want to go spend more time with them. To visit my best friend more often. To tell the people who matter that they really do matter.
So much of the stuff I focus on, so many of my goals, they're all bullshit. They won't bring me peace or fulfillment, or maybe even happiness. So much stress in my life. I don't know how to get rid of it, and I think some of it is hard-wired, but I'll do whatever it takes to let go of it.
And people, they are what matter the most. Being around good people.
And what I'm doing with my life, is it worth it?
Some things are. Being here in Washington, is worth it. Having a remote job so I can potentially spend this winter visiting my family, that's worth it. Having a stable home and a buying a car soon so I can be in nature, that's worth it. Calling my family, that's worth it.
And some things aren't worth it. Being on social media in general, no. Comparing myself to others, no. Placing all this pressure on myself, no. Going to kundalini yoga tomorrow, no, hahahahaha.
Is focusing so heavily on career worth it? I don't know. I don't have to know right now. As long as I keep asking myself, the answer will become clear with time.
I think I want to have a family of my own. I want to share my life with good people. I want to give to others. I want to be in the moment more. I want something quiet and peaceful and simple. I want to move closer to nature. I want to place fewer demands on myself. I don't want to try to be perfect all the time anymore. It only hurts me. I want to visit my Dad more, and visit Elody more, and do things that make me happy more often. I want to explore, I want to cook good food, I want to laugh. I want to have friends over. I want to make real friends here in Seattle and not be so scared. I want to put myself out there.
I want to feel the ocean on my feet, and the bark of a tree against my fingertips. I want to have someone to hold at the end of the day. I want a child to tuck into bed at night. Not right now, but, I want to work towards the big things while enjoying the little things that make life magical now.