Note: I wrote this a month ago. Since then, I've worked through a lot of my fears below, but still love how raw this is and I think you'll like it, too.
"Am I allowed to talk about this?" I asked myself tonight while on a night drive around Austin.
Maybe every time I ask myself that question, I have to blog here. If it's something I haven't seen written before... I should write it.
So in Colorado I realized I was in a new chapter in my life, and tonight while on a drive it really hit me. I want to be a mother. I want to commit, and I want to be a wife. I want that moment when I'll be walking around knowing there is a life within me, a little spark, a tiny heartbeat, that will grow to someday be a sentient human.
I'm so fucking scared. And so incredibly happy. And so... everything.
I'm giving up so much power by choosing to seek marriage. Right now, my circles are mostly men, and me being single opens a ton of doors. If I'm an open option, I get invited to things- either by someone who likes that I could be a dating option for him, or by someone who likes that I could be an option for his guests. Being single gives me social value... and choosing to seek a serious relationship means I give that up.
And when I have kids my entire social life will shift. I will lose power in this way, too. One chapter will close and another will open and I just hope to God the new chapter won't solely consist of other 'mommy-friends™'.
Then there's the thought of, oh my god, this moment in life is so damn beautiful, oh my god, life is so damn beautiful, oh my god, this is so close to being over, I'm not ready for it to be over, I don't want to die.
And this chapter, shedding the single girl and seeking motherhood, wifehood... it's way cooler than I thought it would be. I used to dread it, but I'm ready now and it's really fucking cool... really scary but way more like, wow, my life gets to be so much bigger than me now. I will get to share my life. I've never shared my life before, but doesn't that sound awesome? I get to give of myself in a way I can't even fathom right now.
And then, well... what if this is the last chapter in my life that belongs just to me?
What if... what if this is the end of all there is? What if I'll have a family and then like, almost become a living ghost, experiencing all my moments through those that will outlive me? What if this is the last chapter in my life where I'm fully alive, where my life fully counts? What if this is the first big mark of death?
If it is, then so be it.
I don't know what comes next. But I do know that for me, a life without marriage and family can't be as full as one with it.
PS: Re-reading this now tonight, I have to wonder, if that first mark of death already came when I made the decision.
Am I not already living my life for those that will come after me? Do I not already consider my future children, these creatures who do not even exist yet, in all of my plans, in all my major decisions, in my goals and dreams and hopes?