Day 5: Empty Two Million Dollar Check
I'm gonna be the one who wins the big check at the end of the day. And even if I had, even if I’d won two million dollars, it wouldn’t have been enough. It never would have been enough. -Anon Gambling Addict
No amount of approval or reassurance will be enough to make me feel secure about my worth.
I used to feel this way about work too, that I would never be productive enough, even if I worked 24 hours in a day and never slept again. I just wasn't chosen to be successful. No accomplishment of mine was ever worthy... I always felt like I was lucky to even be in the maker sphere and one day my peers would wake up and realize what I knew to be true, that I was nothing, that I was a fake, that I was an imposter and that I'd never be good enough to be respected.
The work thing has gotten a lot better (for example, I feel like what I write here is worthy, even if no one else read or liked it, I like it). And the approval issue is getting better, slowly but surely. Every black hole within us is something we can work on and fill- and eventually actually use as a superpower (I'll dish more in a future post).
But for now, I'm embracing knowing that it'll never be enough.
As long as I know I can never be satisfied, I can actually let go of it. It's like, "Oh yeah, I don't have to go towards a goal that is legit impossible!" And somehow that's totally okay with me.
When I have those moments of insatiable longing, I just tell myself, "Two Million Dollar check. It will never be enough." and the pressure lifts.
PS- The sexy titles were creeping me out, so... no more.