Day 4: All Alone in my Bedroom

"This sounds weird, but I can't be alone right now," a new friend said. "I moved here in August and it's like the ground underneath my feet is always shaky. I don't know which of my new friends is going to last and I have nothing stable going on right now. So I've been avoiding being alone like crazy."

I moved to Austin lately and feel the same way. And the weirdest thing is happening as a result.

I was going to finish the book Dune the other night. "When I finish it, I'm going to be completely fucking alone," my mind said. Which kind of freaked me out, like... it's just a book!

But Dune symbolized a predictable routine. When I'm reading, none of my real-world uncertainty exists. Finishing it was like being on a fantastic vacation and then suddenly being on the plane back home.

To be honest, I'm probably writing right now so that I can escape to this world. In writing world, I'm 100% here. This world is mine and I'm good at it and it's a lovely escape.

When I hit 'publish' and shut the computer... I'll be completely alone again.


PS: I'm usually very comfortable being alone. So I'm having a hard time being kind to myself for feeling this way... it makes me feel really embarrassed to admit that I am going through this right now.

PPS: This was written a few days ago- tonight was actually a really lovely, friends-filled night with no feeling alone, even now at home here.

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