I'm exhausted from moving, and I have no idea what to talk about, so I'm just gonna be blunt about what's on my mind (other than I'm moving into my home tomorrow omg why is this so scary what if the house eats me in my sleep?).
I have this destructive pattern of picking partners who are emotionally unavailable, or even just crushing on people who, for whatever reason, I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship with.
I'm never going to do this again. It stops here.
But how do I stop? Maybe it's best to start with, why do I do this? On a surface level, I'd love to be in a great relationship with a healthy man (or woman?? Maybe?). But somewhere deep down, I must be terrified of commitment.
Let's look at my history: the longest I've ever held a job = 2 years (current job). The longest I've had a lease from 2011-2019... 4 months. I mean goodness, I traveled around the world for years to avoid committing to a place. And all of my best friends live either in different states or cities, or different countries. Talk about being intimacy-avoidant!
And relationship-wise... I think I've only ever dated one semi-secure man and his steady affection scared me so much I broke up with him like I was changing underwear.
I had a really unstable childhood, and I think... stability scares TF out of me because when I was younger... when things got good it meant that I was going to be abandoned or neglected again. So I relate stability with fear of abandonment.
The good news:
- my longest lease was this year!
- the longest I've ever been at a job, is my current job!
- I just bought a house and I'm committing to a home base!
- My friendships are getting increasingly more supportive and loving, and I'm not pushing them away.
Bit by bit, I'm leaning into the absolute terror of peace and stability.
No matter what, I know how to recognize an avoidant now, and I'm NEVER going to date someone avoidant again. I'll either figure this out, or be single forever, and either option leaves me with more self-respect than what I've been doing to myself before.