I've spent the last year cutting out a lot of my 'drugs' (people and workaholism are my main fixes) but I haven't cut all the chaos out of my life yet.
Because I'm scared.
What if, underneath the addictions, there is nothing? What if my artistry and creativity rely on chaos and mess? What if I find consistent inner peace and then I like just melt into this weird shapeless creepy blob person?
What if the essence of my soul, the things that make me ME, are also the things that make me kinda fucked up?
It's been keeping me stuck. And when I get like this, I think of a friend I really admire. You might even know of her! She's seriously impacting the business world and she's a healthy person. Her calm, collected focus allows to her to be way more productive than me.
When I feel compelled to slide back into the foggy, greyscale world world of highs and lows, I ask myself, "Don't I also know people who have so much potential, but they're lost in poor mental health, unable to create anything impactful because their brains are so disorganized and fear driven?"
Wasn't I one of those people who squandered that bright light within because her entire being was calamity?
But I guess I'm just stepping into the unknown here. I can't know for sure what will happen to my personality, and I have to let go. All I can say is that I like myself more, and I'm happier, and I have so much more respect for myself now that I'm making healthy decisions on a regular basis.
And if that comes at the cost of changing my identity...
Isn't it still worth it?
Do I really have such a low view of myself, to think that I will have no value to provide this Earth if I deal with my shit and consistently choose a healthy life? Come on. I'm not gonna become less intelligent, or less curious about the world. My energies might shift, but I won't become a better person and then somehow be less interested in making the world a better place. It doesn't work that way.
So, into the dark unknown I'll continue.
Note: I wrote this a little while ago, but I still loved the concept.
PPS- I'm on the other side of this. I'm not perfect, but I feel grounded every single day now. And I still have my soul power!!!!
So if you're reading this and being like, 'I totally feel you, I mean what if I lose myself in the process of fixing my broken life?' I'm here to say, I'm still just as fucking weird and awesome and bright and dark and glorious as I've always been. I'm just not in constantly low-grade pain anymore.