Part of my family lives deep in the Sonoran desert, and every time I visit, I get this primal feeling. It's like the desert knows a secret about me that I myself don't even know, and if I stay long enough, it might just reveal it. It's a magnetic pull that I've never understood.
I'm in Colorado for the entire month, and every time I go into the mountains I get that same voice in my soul that sings to me that I am of here.
This weekend I camped solo for the first time, and the next day I hiked my first 14er. It was stressful, I had to be completely present and 'on' the entire time. I froze my ass off and barely slept, I got dizzy at the top of the hike, I fought off tears on the scariest "road" I've ever driven. When I got down I was utterly exhausted and like, "No fucking way am I doing that again this year." Then the very next day I planned my next 14er for this weekend.
Because in that 24 hours, I was wild again.
That voice that calls out from within, it is the voice of my ancestors, of all of our ancestors. Because behind our pretty smiles, under the civilized clothes and the soft skin, we are still wild animals. Our savage fore-bearers lived their entire lives in the outdoors, much longer than we've lived in houses, and when I am in those situations, their instincts spring awake from hibernation and I am with them, I am with myself, again. It is home.
I'm dreading camping alone again this weekend. Camping sucks, let's be honest, being out there alone scares me, and like omg living a soft life is so much nicer. But in the endless quiet, I disconnect from the outside noise and all I can hear is what's within.
And what's within doesn't want to be soft. It wants to have teeth. It wants to always be accomplishing harder and harder things, and striving, and hunting, and running, and howling at the moon, and winning, and winning, and winning.
PS: For the rest of the month, I'm disconnecting from all social media (twitter, instagram, telegram, etc.) so I can sit in this silence and sharpen my teeth. I'll still be writing here, and if you want to reach me, email firstname.lastname@example.org