When you are around people you admire or like, do you freeze up?
When I'm invested in a person, it's like I get temporarily trapped in a giant block of ice. My words halt, I become way less expressive, and even my body gets stiff (so if I trip on things around you, take it as a compliment!) After about half an hour, I start to thaw and slowly my limbs get relaxed and I start making those weird dark jokes that you either love or hate. The spell lifts and I start being genuine again.
BUT THOSE FIRST 30 MINUTES ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME.
My ATX bestie called me last night and I answered the phone with a voice like warm honey. "Well hello stranger!" I purred, shoulders relaxed, a full smile on my face. It just flowed. There was no block of ice, just the warm, bright eternal fireplace that is me when I'm relaxed around someone.
Why can't I be that person around everyone? It sucks because the folks I'm dying to show ME to, get some weird, awkward, apologetic version of me that makes me cringe.
I think it's a defense thing. I get scared. But how to tackle this? How to let go?