All the feels

I'm so ashamed at putting off my newsletter launch.

I see friends getting more and more successful and I haven't started yet. It makes me jealous and mad at myself.

What's wrong with you? Why isn't this your top priority? You don't have it in you. You're trying to force something that you're not meant for. You're never gonna make it. You're just a wantrepreneur. Why do people respect you? No one should respect you.

This isn't the first time I've heard these things. In 2019 I was so scared of not being good enough, that I launched too many things and spread myself thin and then lost the will to work, then to laugh, then to leave the apartment altogether... it spiraled me into an existence of grey and numb and relentless pressure.

I was enjoying rehabilitating my house this month. My surroundings were becoming a physical manifestation of my soul. And now, all I can think of is finishing as soon as possible, because I feel so guilty for putting off launching. Today I almost bought a bunch of really awful looking cheap shit just so I could furnish this house and be done with it. But that would defeat the purpose of cultivating a home, wouldn't it? I want it to feel like me!

I can trust myself. I know what I'm doing. I'm not a wantrepreneur. I have launched things in the past! In fact, I'm still getting paid for a side project I launched two years ago. I'm not worthless. I can be kind to myself and still succeed. I can take my time, and enjoy my life, and express myself, and be art and make art and not put so much pressure on myself to be perfect all the time.

It's okay to be kind to myself. It's okay to be kind to myself. It's okay to be kind to myself. It's okay to be kind to myself. It's okay to be...

I'll keep repeating it until I believe it.